Random Patchouli x Alice
by TouhouLoveStories
Summary: Alice and Marisa go to the SDM to do stuff, but then everyone starts talking like a valley girl. Chapter 4: Something happens to Flandre and Yukari. Side-pairings include: Reimu x Marisa and Sakuya x Meiling. Rated T for language and suggestive themes.
1. Chapter 1

** DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN TOUHOU PROJECT!**

"OMG, LYK, WHAT ARE WE, LYK, DOING HERE?" Marisa asked Alice, talking in a valley-girl voice.

"Oh, SHUT UP, MARISA!" Alice groaned, annoyed by the way Marisa was talking.

"BUT, LYK, MY NAME IS BECKY!" Marisa protested.

"Whatever, Marisa. Or Becky. We're here to see Patchouli, remember?" Alice reminded her.

Marisa dropped the valley-girl act. "OH YEAH! Now I remember! You were going to ask her a question, and I was going to take home a few books. She still owes me a couple."  
"We're almost there, too. Hey, I wonder if that idiot-I MEAN-that gate guard is on duty," Alice said to Marisa.

"Well, duh. Remilia and Sakuya are too LAZY to hire a new gate-guard. I mean, all China does is sleep, right?" Marisa replied.

"I know, right? She's such a dork."

"Hey, we're here now! Hey...wait a second...is that Reimu? Talking to Sakuya? And Patchouli is OUTSIDE? OMG, LYK, I TOTALLY THOUGHT SHE WAS, LYK, A SHUT IN AND ALL!" Marisa observed. She clutched her broom tightly. For some odd reason, they had decided to _walk _to the Scarlet Devil Mansion.

"Okay, you can stop it with the valley-girl, Marisa," Alice told the blond-haired girl.

Marisa ignored her. "What are they talking about? Are they talking about how stupid China is? Or are they talking about that one fairy...damn, what's her name again?" Marisa asked Alice.

"You mean Cirno?"  
"YEAH! That's the idiot! Anyway, I bet they're talking about her or China."

"Why don't we stop wondering and-oh," Alice stopped talking. Marisa had already run ahead and was now talking to Sakuya, Patchouli, and Reimu.

Alice approached them and the first thing that she noticed was that Reimu had one arm around Marisa's shoulders. Like they were lovers or something. And then she noticed that they were _both _talking like valley-girls.

"OMG, LYK, HI LAURA AND KELLY!" Marisa called, doing a valley-girl voice.

"HI BECKY!" Sakuya and Reimu said at the same time.

"OMG, LYK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, LAURA?" Marisa asked Reimu, wrapping her arm around Reimu's shoulders.

"LYK, JUST TALKING TO KEEEELLLLLLYYYYY!"

"YEEEAAAAHHHH!" Sakuya, or "Kelly", agreed.

"Hey, hold on a second. What is Patchouli doing outside?" Marisa asked the group. Alice and Patchouli were both spectating the conversation from a distance. For safety precautions.

"I honestly don't know," Reimu replied.

"Me neither," Sakuya agreed.

Patchouli leaned over to Alice's ear. "They're idiots," Patchouli whispered into Alice's ear.

"I agree," Alice whispered back. They continued watching the conversation.

"So, I made these little chocolate cake thingies. Wanna try one?" Sakuya offered to Reimu and Marisa.

"HELL YEAH! Let's DO this THANG!" Marisa cheered, and the three girls ran inside.

"Uh-oh," Patchouli said. "Better follow them inside," she decided. Alice followed Patchouli back into the mansion and into the kitchen, where Sakuya, Marisa, Reimu, Flandre, and Koakuma were.

"DAMN IT!" Flandre suddenly exclaimed, jumping away from the stove. "MY FUCKING HAND JUST GOT BURNT! KOAKUMA, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!" Flandre cried, holding her burnt hand.

"I'm sorry, Flandre!" Koakuma replied. "I didn't mean to close your whole entire hand in the oven."

"What the hell are you guys doing in the kitchen?" Sakuya asked, getting three plates down from a cabinet and opening up a fridge, pulling out three chocolate cake thingies.

"Oh, you know. Flandre decided that it would be good for her to 'experiment in the kitchen', so of course, I followed her to make sure she didn't do something stupid," Koakuma answered, smiling stupidly.

"Why are we following them?" Alice whispered to Patchouli.

"Dunno. We just are. This is very entertaining. We need popcorn," Patchouli replied in a whisper. "I'll ask Sakuya for some. HEY, CHEIF-PAD! WE NEED SOME POPCORN OVER HERE!" Patchouli yelled.

"OKAY, LYK, GIRLS, WE HAVE SOME POPCORN TO MAKE!" Sakuya said excitedly, and then the girls ran all over the kitchen, looking for corn kernels and butter.

"I NEED, SOME, LYK, HELP OVER HERE! I FOUND THE KERNELS!" Flandre called from the other side of the kitchen. I mean, it was so obvious. If they were smart and read the labels, they could've found the kernels VERY easily. But...you know...they're kind of special...

"OMG, LYK, GREAT JOB, CHELSEA!" Marisa, or Becky, called from the other side of the room. She ran across the room, making sure she knocked EVERYTHING off of the counter. Food went EVERYWHERE, and the floor was literally covered in french fries.

"CHELSEA CAN READ?" Koakuma called from the other side of the room.

Everyone ran over to Chelsea and ripped the jar of kernels out of her small hands.

"HEY, LYK, GIVE THEM BAAACCCKKKK!" Flandre whined.

All the girls ignored her.

"How many of them are involved in this?" Alice asked Patchouli in a whisper.

"I honestly don't know. They do this every day at about this time. I'm not sure if Remi is involv-"

"OMG, LYK, WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING IN HERRRRRRREEEE?" A voice suddenly called from the doorway of the kitchen.

"OH, HEY BRITTNEY! DO YOU WANNA, LYK, HELP US MAKE POPCORN FOR, LYK, LIZZY?" Reimu asked Remilia.

"OMG, LYK, SURRRRRRRE! GIVE ME THE BUTTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR please."

"OKAY, LYK, HERE'S THE BUTTERRRRRRR!" Sakuya replied, handing over the butterrrrrrr to Remilia.

"Does everyone have a nickname?" Alice asked Patchouli.

"Apparently. Yesterday I heard them talking about someone named Missy. I'm pretty sure they were talking about Yukari," Patchouli replied. "ARE YOU, LYK, DONE WITH THE POPCORN YEEEEET?" Patchouli asked them in a valley girl voice.

"YEEEAAAAAH!" Koakuma answered, shoving a huge bowl of popcorn each into Alice and Patchouli's hands.

"OMG, LYK, THANK YOU, LEXI!" Patchouli replied and then started wolfing down popcorn.

Once they got started eating popcorn, they couldn't stop. Soon the kitchen was messy and stuff from all their cooking and mess-making. There were eggshells on the floor, flour on the walls, butterrrrrrr on the counters...it was a disaster!  
"OMG, LYK, GIVE IT BAAAAAACK!" Flandre whined, ripping the whisk out of Remilia's hands.

"OMG, LYK, DO YOU WANNA GO, CHELSEA? DO YOU _REALLY _WANT TO MESS WITH ME?" Remilia responded.

"HELL YES!" Flandre responded defiantly, raising up one shirt sleeve to expose her upper arm.  
"Things are about to get interesting," Patchouli told Alice.

Remilia launched herself at Flandre, drawing Gungnir and trying to stab Flandre with it. Flandre retaliated with Laevateinn, sending Remilia to the other side of the room.

Soon, Reimu, Sakuya, Koakuma, and Marisa had joined Patchouli and Alice on the sidelines. Everyone was watching Flandre and Remilia fighting.

Until Meiling came in.

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY GIRLS!" Meiling called from the door. "IT'S, LYK, TOTALLY RAINING OUTSIDE!"

Remilia and Flandre stopped fighting. "OMG, LYK, HEY MEGAN!" Remilia and Flandre called from the kitchen. Meiling walked into the kitchen and sat down on the butterrrrrrr-coated counter. "OMG, LYK, WE SHOULD TOTAALLY HAVE SOME BEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRR!" Meiling suggested.

"OKAY, LYK, TOTALLY!" Sakuya agreed, and the two ran to the fridge and got out a huge keg of beer. Every girl in the room (except for Patchouli and Alice, of course) was drunk after a while.

**-12:00 AM-**

"P-Patchouli?" Alice asked the mage, who was now sitting in her library, reading. "I have a question."

Patchouli looked up from her book to show Alice that she was listening.

"Um...how do you feel about Marisa?" Alice asked her.

Patchouli sighed. "Now that, my friend, is going to be hard to answer. I love her, but only as a friend. I couldn't ever be in a relationship with her because my heart lies with someone else," Patchouli answered calmly. Then she slapped her hands over her mouth. "Holy shit, did I just say that?"

Alice nodded. "Well...now you've gotta tell me who you like..." _I hope it's me, _Alice thought.

"Damn it. Now I wish I never would have said anything...do I have to?" Patchouli asked the doll-maker.

"Well...no, I guess not. Your choice," Alice replied.

Patchouli was silent for a moment. Then, in a quiet voice, she answered, "I love you, Alice."

"Oh, Patchouli!" Alice cried out, collapsing into Patchouli's arms. "I love you too."

"Hey...wanna go take a bath together?" Patchouli asked Alice.

Alice nodded, blushing, and the two stripped down until they were completely naked and then went to go take a shower.

"OWW! DAMN IT, I GOT SOAP IN MY EEEEYYYYEEES!" Alice screamed. "DAMN, IT BURNS!" Alice opened her eyes and let warm water wash the soap out.

Patchouli chuckled. Then she cupped Alice's face in her hands and kissed her softly on the lips. Not too rough or too gentle; just the right setting for Patchouli.

"Here, let me put some soap on you," Patchouli offered, grabbing the bar of soap.

Alice nodded and allowed Patchouli to rub her body, cleaning away all the dirt and grime with the soap. After Alice's treatment, she did the same for Patchouli, wanting Patchouli to feel what she felt.

They rinsed all of the soap off of their bodies and kissed one more time before stepping out of the shower. Alice tripped on the way out and landed on Patchouli. "UMMFFH!" Alice grunted as she fell to the floor.

"OW! My fucking face just got rammed into the floor!" Patchouli moaned.

"Sorry!" Alice helped Patchouli up and the two of them threw on some clothes and left Patchouli's bathroom.

"What do you wanna do now?" Alice asked Patchouli.

"Hmm...I don't know. What do you want to do?"

"Let's go see what the others are doing, shall we?" Alice offered.

Patchouli nodded. "Okay, but they tend to get a little crazy at night..."

Alice and Patchouli walked down an aisle of books. And another aisle. And another. AND ANOTHER!  
"How many books do you have in here?" Alice asked Patchouli.

"I probably have about a quarter of all the books in the world," Patchouli replied.

"A QUARTER!?" Alice responded, shocked. How could there only be a quarter of all the books in the world in here? It seemed like Patchouli had _every _book in the world!

"Okay, maybe I exaggerated a bit. Maybe I have only a fifth in here...I don't know. Hey, look, we're at the exit," Patchouli suddenly said.

"Oh, sweet! Okay, we've gotta go see what they're doing now," Alice told Patchouli. The two girls made their way to the kitchen, where Meiling and Sakuya were sleeping on top of each other. On the counter.

"OMG, LYK, WE SHOULD _TOTALLY _POST THIS ON INSTAGRRRRAAAAAM!" Remilia exclaimed, turning her phone around to show everyone a picture of Meiling and Sakuya sleeping on top of each other next to a big, black scorch mark on the counter.

"Wow, they _really _gave it their all with the mess-making today," Patchouli commented.

"Yeah. They seem to be extremely involved in the outside world," Alice added.

"O. M. G! LOOK! IT'S LIZZY AND, LYK, MIRANDA! LOOK AT THEM! THEY'RE, LYK, STANDING IN THE DOORWAY!" Koakuma exclaimed, pointing to Patchouli and Alice.

"Eh, whatever. Just let 'em stand there," Marisa mumbled from the corner of the kitchen. She was holding a beer bottle and had a sleeping Reimu sprawled across her lap. Marisa took a swig from the bottle. "Ah...aren't y'all tired?"

"OMG, LYK, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Flandre suddenly exclaimed. She threw her iPhone down onto the floor. "GOD. FUCKING. DAMN IT!"

"OMG, LYK, CHELSEA, ARE YOU, LYK, OKAAAAY?" Koakuma asked Flandre.

"OMG, LYK, NOOOOOOOOOOOO! OF COURSE NOT! I CAN'T BEAT MY GOD DAMN HIGH SCORE IN FLAPPY BIRRRRRRRRD!" Flandre cried out.

Remilia went over to comfort Flandre. "Shhh...the god damn bird isn't real...it's just a game that will make you feel angry and upset..." Remilia soothed, stroking Flandre's hair.

"Yeah! It's okay, Flandre. You can beat your high score!" Koakuma encouraged, rushing over and giving Flandre a hug.

Remilia swatted her away. "Fuck off, bitch!" Remilia hissed. "This is my little sister, not yours! Go fuck your librarian or something," Remilia suggested. "Come, Flandre. We have _much _to do." Remilia and Flandre left the room, holding hands and giggling.

Koakuma looked at Patchouli longingly.

"No. Just...no," Patchouli told Koakuma.

"But I want to-"

"No."

"But-"

"She said no, Koa. Sorry, sis," Alice sympathized.

"But we could have a threesome!" Koakuma offered.

"No thanks," Patchouli replied, starting down the hallway to the library with Alice at her side.

"Are you sure? I'll be really good!" Koakuma said again.

"I said no." Patchouli and Alice turned a corner with Koakuma still at their heels.

"But, Patchouli, I love you!" Koakuma protested.

Patchouli stopped walking and turned around to face Koakuma. "Look, I'm not interested. Please go bug someone else," Patchouli begged.

"But-"

"HEY, LOOK OVER THERE!" Patchouli suddenly shouted, pointing behind Koakuma.

"Where?" Koakuma asked, turning around.

Patchouli quickly used teleportation magic to teleport Alice and herself to her room. "We got rid of her! Finally!" Patchouli exclaimed.

"I know, right? Okay, now what do you wanna-MMMFFFHH!" Alice was cut off by a passionate kiss from Patchouli. Patchouli began to strip them both down until they were both naked.

"You know what I want," Patchouli answered, blushing.

**-The Next Day-**

"GOD. FUCKING. DAMN IT!" Remilia shrieked. "WAKE THE FUCK UP AND GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN!"

Everyone except for Patchouli and Alice were in the kitchen. Passed out. On the floor.

"Whaa?" Marisa asked Remilia, still half-asleep.

"I SAID, PEOPLE, GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! RESIDENTS OF THE MANSION! START YOUR DUTIES!" Remilia ordered.

"Okay..." Marisa replied, picking Reimu up in her arms. Reimu was _still _sleeping. Drool dribbled out of her mouth and onto the floor, adding to the pool of drool that was already there.

"Ah...damn...so cute," Marisa whispered, looking at Reimu.

"I SAID, WAKE THE FUCK UP!" Remilia commanded, shaking Meiling and Sakuya. Sakuya woke up immediately while Meiling on the other hand continued sleeping.

"Mistress! I'm so sorry, I overslept!" Sakuya apologized to Remilia.

"Sakuya, it's 2:00 in the morning," Remilia informed her.

"Wait, then why do I have to be awake?" Sakuya questioned.

"Because I'm HUNGRY! Make me something, please, Sakuya," Remilia asked.

"Yes, mistress," Sakuya grumbled, not wanting to leave Meiling's side.

"You can go back to sleep when I'm done eating."

**-Patchouli's Room-**

"Hey..." Alice randomly said. They were both still awake, even though it was 2:00 in the morning, and staying up that late will probably make them sick.

"Yeah?" Patchouli responded sleepily, and then yawned.

"Let's...let's go to sleep. I'm so...tired..." Alice yawned.

"Yeah...here, lay on my chest," Patchouli offered.

Alice gladly curled up next to Patchouli, closed her eyes, and went to sleep immediately.

Patchouli kissed the top of Alice's head. "Good night, my doll-maker," Patchouli whispered.

"Good night, my mage," Alice whispered back.


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN TOUHOU PROJECT!**

** Hey guys,**

** Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Here's the second chapter of "Random Patchouli X Alice"!**

_(Flashback)_

_ "Remilia!"_

_ "What, Flandre?"_

_ "LOOK BEHIND YOU! THERE'S A HUGE MONSTER THAT'S GOING TO EAT YOUR WINGS OFF!"  
Remilia looked behind herself. "WHERE?!"  
Flandre busted out laughing. "YOU TOTALLY FELL FOR IT!"_

_ (A little after that happened)_

_ "REMILIA! LOOK BEHIND YOU! THE ICECREAM MAN IS HERE!"  
Remilia turned around. "WHERE?!"_

_ "HA, HA!" Flandre fell to the floor, laughing so hard that she was crying. "YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE!"  
_

(Present)

"REMILIA! LOOK BEHIND YOU!" Flandre exclaimed.

"Oh no, I'm totally _not _falling for this one!" Remilia replied.

"No, seriously, look behind you!" Flandre pointed behind Remilia at Meiling, who had butter in her hand. The butter was obviously aimed at Remilia and Meiling was going to fire at any second.

"NO! I AM NOT LOOKING BEHIND MYSELF!" Remilia told Flandre arrogantly.

"No, really, Meiling is going to throw-ah, it's too late," Flandre told Remilia as butter was thrown at her back.

Sakuya, Meiling, and Koakuma fell to the floor laughing so hard that they were crying. Flandre was holding her sides because she was laughing so hard at Remilia's facial expression, which was one that held pure anger.

"YOU FOUR WILL NOT GET THE NEXT HOLIDAY OFF!" Remilia exclaimed, pointing at them. "AND YOU!" She pointed at Meiling. "NEXT TIME YOU SLACK OFF, EXPECT SAKUYA TO GIVE YOU A _SERIOUS _PUNISHMENT! NOW GOODBYE!" Remilia yelled, turning around and walking out of the room.

**(Patchouli's Library)**

** "**God damn, they're so _loud_!" Alice groaned, flopping over in the bed that she and Patchouli were sharing.

Patchouli stroked Alice's hair. "We could go to my secret bedroom," she suggested.

"A SECRET BEDROOM?" Alice asked Patchouli, eyes wide.

"Complete with sound-proof walls, a popcorn machine, and a pretty badass bathroom," Patchouli told Alice.

"SWEET! Let's go in there!" Alice suggested, jumping out of bed.

"Okay, but you can't tell anyone about this. Promise?" Patchouli asked Alice.

"Promise."

**(The Kitchen)**

"GOD DAMN IT!" Meiling exclaimed. "THIS WAS ALL YOUR IDEA, FLANDRE! AND NOW I'M IN TROUBLE!"

"Actually, no you're not. She said _Sakuya _had to give you the punishment," Flandre replied.

"Yeah..." Sakuya blushed. "Whatever."

"OMG! GUYS! LOOK OUTSIDE!" Koakuma exclaimed, pointing at the sky. "WAT IS DAT?"

"What is what?" Flandre asked, walking over to the window and looking to where Koakuma was pointing.

"That god damn flying thing! What is it?" Koakuma asked Flandre.

"Well, it's a-"

"A feathered, warm-blooded, two-legged, egg-laying, vertebrate. Also known as the 'bird'," Meiling answered.

"OHHHH! I've never seen a bird before. Only in books," Koakuma informed everyone happily.

"That's great, Koa," Sakuya said sarcastically. Everyone started laughing and it took Koakuma a minute to figure out why.

"WHY R U ALL LAUGHING?!" Koakuma exclaimed.

"Koakuma, please don't use 'R' and 'U' when you're talking," Flandre requested nicely.

"But-"

"Just don't."

**(Patchouli's Secret Bedroom)**

"OKAY! WE'RE HERE!" Patchouli yelled as loud as she could, flicking on the lights. She shut the door behind them and locked it, even though the door was well hidden in a bookcase.

"WOAH!" Alice breathed, gazing around the room. It was huge, for a bedroom. There was a ginormous flat-screen television covering one corner of the room and a popcorn machine in another corner. There was another door opposite to the entrance of the room. It probably led to the bathroom.

"I need to take a dump. I'll be right back," Patchouli said casually, and then walked in the direction of the bathroom. Alice heard loud farting noises and then the sound of a toilet flushing. Patchouli walked out of the bathroom again.

"All righty! Wanna watch a horror movie?" Patchouli asked Alice.

"Sure, but nothing too scary," Alice replied. She was terrified of scary things.

Patchouli pulled out two movies from her movie drawer. "Okay, I have _The Exorcist _and _Dora: Halloween edition_. Which one would you like to watch?"

"Well..._The Exorcist _really isn't that scary...but I'm sure that _Dora _will give me a real fright."

"_Dora _it is!" Patchouli responded, and then popped the disk into a DVD player. "Want some popcorn? I have a popcorn maker machine," Patchouli offered.

"Yes please," Alice replied.

"You can go ahead and crawl in bed if you want to," Patchouli said, throwing some kernels into the popcorn machine and adding four sticks of butter. "I'll join you in a moment."

Alice nodded and crawled in bed. The covers were soft and the bed was squishy and comfortable, like Alice was lying on a whole bunch of pillows.

Finally, after Patchouli added another stick of butter, the popcorn was ready to eat and the movie was ready to watch. Patchouli grabbed the remote and pressed the play button after giving Alice her popcorn.

"Oh my fuck," Patchouli breathed. "This is so damn scary and everything that just happened included Dora leaving her house."

"HOLD ME, PATCHOULI!" Alice exclaimed, clinging to Patchouli.

"It's okay...I'm here," Patchouli told Alice as she snuggled up against the librarian's chest. "If it gets too intense then we can change it," Patchouli whispered.

The movie played on, terrifying the two girls with agonizing songs about a map and a backpack. There was even a monkey-thing that began harassing Dora about where to go next. When the movie was finally over, the two were shivering in fright.

"I'm SO glad Gensokyo isn't like that," Alice commented. "If it were, I don't know what I would do." Alice shoved a whole bunch of popcorn into her mouth. It fell out all over the sheets and onto the floor.

"Hey, not on the sheets!" Patchouli protested, shoving so much popcorn in her mouth that she didn't even get to eat _most _of the popcorn, because it all ended up falling out.

Alice suddenly remembered something that was probably important at the time. But, of course, Alice really isn't too sure about a lot of things most of the time.

"Hey, where's Shanghai? My doll?" Alice asked Patchouli.

"Did you bring her?"

"I think so..."

_(Flashback)_

_ "GOD DAMN IT! GET OUT THE FUCKING DOOR ALREADY! Ugh! Shanghai! Oh wait, you're not Shanghai. You're Hourai. SHANGHAI! Oh, wait, you're already outside...never mind! Okay, let's go. You guys have to come because I'm not too sure if Patchouli is planning on raping me," Alice said as she walked out the door._

_ (Shanghai's thoughts: What kind of fucking idiot is my creator?)_

"Yeah, I'm sure I brought them...oh, wait a minute! I think I might have left them in the kitchen. I bet they're getting drunk in there as we speak."

**(Kitchen)**

"CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" Koakuma, Sakuya, Remilia, Flandre, Cirno, Marisa, Reimu, Sanae, Suwako, Kanako, Rumia, Youmu, and Yuyuko all chanted.

Meiling and Shanghai were having a drink-off to see who could drink the most. Apparently, a lot of Gensokyo residents are awake at 3:00 in the morning, so Remilia felt like it was absolutely necessary to invite a lot of people.

"COME ON! CHUUUUUUUUG! BEAT THAT ALICE DOLL!" Remilia cheered to Meiling.

Meiling eyed Remilia, nodded, and then chugged the beer faster.

Shanghai set down her now empty bottle of beer and grabbed another one. There were empty bottles of beer strewn everywhere across the room. Koakuma had tripped over one and fell on her face and she was now in the infirmary.

"OKAY! STOP! THAT'S ENOUGH!" Remilia yelled. Everyone stopped chanting as Meiling and Shanghai set down their bottles. Remilia flew on top of the counter in the center of the room, which was covered in bottles of beer that had yet to be drunken.

"I have an idea," Remilia began. "What if everyone splits up into 5 teams and each team chooses a representative to drink beer?" Remilia proposed.

Everyone muttered in agreement, nodding to one another.

"OKAY! GET INTO GROUPS AND CHOOSE A REPRESENTATIVE!" Remilia ordered.

"Ugh...I'm gonna puuuuke..." Meiling murmured. Shanghai was already passed out on the floor. She had fainted from all the alcohol.

"Sakuya, get them to the infirmary," Remilia ordered.

"Yes, mistress," Sakuya replied, and reluctantly took Meiling and Shanghai to the infirmary.

5 girls stood in front of all the bottles of beer. They were the five representatives: Marisa, Reimu, Sanae, Yuyuko, and Flandre.

"FUCK YEAH! LET'S GET THIS PAARTAY STARTED!" Remilia exclaimed. "START THE DRINKING IN: 3..."

Everyone grabbed a bottle.

"2..."

Everyone gripped the bottle tightly.

"1..."

Everyone raised their bottles slightly into the air.

"DRINK OFF!" Remilia exclaimed.

Everyone lifted up their bottle to their mouths and began drinking. Yuyuko finished a bottle in about 5 seconds with Marisa, Flandre, Reimu, and Sanae following in order. They all grabbed another bottle and began drinking faster.

Soon, Mokou, Kaguya, Eirin, Reisen, Tewi, Ran, Chen, and Yukari had all joined the crowd.

"So, what exactly is happening?" Mokou asked Yukari, who seemed to already know what was going on.

"They're having a drink-off to see how much they can take before passing out or throwing up," Yukari replied, not taking her eyes off of the drinkers.

Yuyuko seemed to be winning largely. Youmu cheered and clapped for Yuyuko, shouting phrases of encouragement at her. Marisa and Reimu were starting to wear down. They were drinking slower than they had been in the beginning, as though they were drunk to a point where they honestly couldn't drink anymore.

Sanae had already thrown up and was disqualified from the drink-off. So, it was down to Flandre, Marisa, Reimu, and Yuyuko. Yuyuko and Flandre were still holding on strong while Marisa and Reimu looked like they were going to throw up.

"REIMU! MARISA! GO TO THE FUCKING INFIRMARY _RIGHT NOW_! YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO THROW UP!" Remilia ordered them. "Haha..shit, too late."

Reimu and Marisa had both dropped their bottles on the floor. They had also both thrown up. At the same time.

"Marisa...I can't feel my head..." Reimu groaned.

"Okay, somebody PLEASE get them to the infirmary," Remilia ordered.

"Let's go...come on, Reimumuuuuuuuu..." Marisa slurred, dragging Reimu with her to the infirmary.

Yuyuko and Flandre were the only two left. Flandre slammed down an empty bottle, wiped her mouth, and then picked up another full bottle of beer, which she drained immediately. Yuyuko was going through bottles so fast that it was like the liquid was never there.

"And we're down to two people: Flandre and Yuyuko! I know I'm supposed to stay neutral, but...COME ON FLANDRE! YOU CAN BEAT THAT FUCKING GHOST! GO, GO, GO!"

"NO, SHE CAN'T BEAT YUYUKO-SAMA!" Youmu shot back.

"YES SHE CAN!"

"NO SHE CAN'T!"  
"YES SHE CAN!"

"NO!"

"YES!"  
"NO!"

"YES!"

"FUCK YOU!"

"FUCK YOU, TOO!"

"WHATEVER!"

"WHAT WERE WE ARGUING ABOUT?"

"I DON'T REMEMBER!"

"WHY ARE WE YELLING?"

"I DON'T REMEMBER!"  
Yuyuko and Flandre were still going. They both couldn't stop drinking. The counters were littered with empty beer bottles, and the two girls looked like they were going to throw up.

"Hey, I'm going to go see what Sakuya is doing in the infirmary. I'll be right back. You're in charge," she told Yukari as she left the room, shaking her butt as she walked like a pure sassy buttball.

"I need a fucking pamphlet! I don't know my way around here...where the fucking hell is the infirmary?" Remilia asked a painting. "You don't fucking know where the infirmary is? Well, too bad! It's probably this way..." Remilia walked down the hallway and saw a sign in big red letters that read **INFIRMARY: For injuries, getting drunk, and there's a bathroom in here if you need to take a dump.**

"Gosh, I'm so glad that we installed an infirmary to the mansion. It's so helpful," Remilia said to nobody in particular. Remilia pushed open the door to the infirmary and Shanghai darted out and down the hall. "Hey, where the fuck-oh. Yeah. Alice. Patchouli. Whatever."

Remilia's jaw dropped whenever she saw the inside of the infirmary. Everyone was naked except for Koakuma, who was sleeping happily on one of the infirmary beds. Well, at least Remilia _thought _that everyone was naked. Actually, there were infirmary curtains drawn up around two of the beds in the room. She saw Reimu's silloute bending over Marisa's silloute in one bed and Meiling and Sakuya's silloute in another.

"WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS GOING ON IN HERE?" Remilia exclaimed.

Sakuya drew back a curtain, covering her body and Meiling, who was lying on the bed, with the curtain. "Oh. Hey, mistress," Sakuya greeted Remilia, smiling. "We'll be there in a moment. As for Reimu and Marisa...well...I'm not too sure. Oh well," Sakuya informed her mistress, throwing back the curtain again.

"Oh. Okay. Well, cool thanks, bye!"

And Remilia walked down the hallway, shaking her butt as she walked like a true sassy buttball.

**(Patchouli's Secret Bedroom)**

"Patchouliiiiiiiii," Alice moaned in her sleep.

"Shh...it's okay, I'm here," Patchouli whispered to Alice, who was snuggled up against her. Patchouli look down at Alice's sleeping face. _Fuck! She's so damn cute..._Patchouli thought, kissing Alice's head before going to sleep.

They had turned off the television, broken the _Dora _movie disc in half, and turned out the lights. Then they climbed into bed together and cuddled in the darkness.

"I love you, Alice," Patchouli told the doll-maker.

Alice opened her eyes and got on top of Patchouli. She then kissed the purple mage passionately on the lips. "I love you too."


	3. Chapter 3

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Touhou Project or Dora The Explorer.**

** Wow, it's been a looooong time since I've written a fanfic! Anyway, here's chapter 3 of "Random Patchouli x Alice". **

Patchouli woke up, breathing heavily. She had awoken from a nightmare about a map and a backpack chasing her around the mansion, singing stupid songs about maps and the things that you could put in a backpack. A decapitated monkey head had pestered her about where they should go next, which was the scariest part about the whole dream.

"Nnn...Patchouli?" Alice yawned beside her. "Did you have a bad dream...?" Alice asked as she wrapped her arms around Patchouli's waist.

"Yeah..." Patchouli admitted, stroking Alice's blond hair gently.

"What was your dream about?"

"Dora," Patchouli sighed.

"Ugh," Alice agreed. "It's 5 in the morning."

_"Yeah._ Do you want to get up or go back to bed?"

"Mmm...let's get up and make some breakfast. Are you hungry?"

"Yup," Patchouli answered.

"Then I shall make you some breakfast, my dear," Alice said sweetly, climbing out of Patchouli's bed. She went into the kitchen and started up the popcorn maker, adding twelve sticks of butter. She made sure that there were 18 ounces of butter per square inch of the bowl, just how Patchouli preferred it.

Patchouli, still a little frightened from the dream she had, climbed out of her bed and tried to help Alice cook, but Alice shooed her away because the only thing Patchouli could do in a kitchen was blow things up.

"Here we are," Alice said, setting down the bowl of popcorn in from of Patchouli. In her other hand, she carried a plate of eggs. "Shanghai should be here with the rest of the stuff too."

"Oooooooooooooooooooooloooooooooooooooooooooooo," Patchouli said, "oo"ing at the food in awe. "You're so good at cooking. I'm good at making potions that cause people to lose their bowels, but I'm not so good at making food that _won't _cause people to lose their bowels," Patchouli said as she shoved food into her mouth. Food scattered all over the carpet and all over the table.

Alice laughed at that. "That's hilarious! When I first started out cooking, my neighbors lost some of their organs after eating my cookies, so that's how I ended up here in Gensokyo."

Patchouli laughed so hard that she snorted popcorn out of her nose. It landed on Shanghai's head, who was setting a plate of bacon down on the table.

"Shanghai, there you are! Man, you took FOREVER getting over here! What the hell is that all about?" Alice asked, scolding Shanghai.

Shanghai shrugged and flew away. _Wow, my creator must be really dumb. It took me forever to get over here because the plate is ten times the size of my face... _she thought.

After they finished breakfast, they decided to go ahead and see what the other peoples who lived in the mansion were doing. When they walked into the kitchen, they were surprised to find people from Eientei and Hakugyokuroukuroukurouyougyokusokurou sprawled out all over the floor, fast asleep. Beer bottles were strewn all over the floor, the counter was covered in cake mix, flour was floating about in the air, and an empty bucket of popcorn was shoved into the corner of the room.

"Wow. It looks like a war happened in here," Patchouli remarked, moving a bit farther into the room.

"That's because a war _did_ happen!" A voice said behind them.

Patchouli and Alice turned around to find Flandre standing there, a beer bottle in her hand. "Hi!" The little vampire girl said cheerfully, waving with her free hand.

"What the fuck happened in there?" Alice asked Flandre.

Flandre took a swig of beer and paused thoughtfully. "Well...hmm...I don't really remember. I just remember that there was a drinking contest, and Remilia let me have some beer, and it's pretty fuzzy after that..."

"Um...where's Remi, by the way?" Patchouli questioned.

"Well, the last time I checked, she was passed out under that counter, but I would be careful walking around in there," Flandre said, motioning to the kitchen.

"It's okay. I've got this all covered," Alice said, smirking. "SHANGHAI! HOURAI! GET IN HERE!"

Shanghai and Hourai hurried into the hallway outside of the kitchen, where Alice was standing.

Alice plucked Hourai out of the air and grasped her firmly. Hourai squirmed in her hands as Alice cried, "DOOLLLLL-CANNON! FIRE!" and launched Hourai into the kitchen.

Hourai landed on the other side of the counter, which activated a Dora ringtone inside a phone on the floor. It said something like, "Let's go on an adventure!" which brought back the memories of Patchouli's nightmare to her.

"NOOOOOO!" Patchouli cried, hunching down on the floor like she was about to take a dump.

"AAAAAAAHHHH!" Flandre agreed, and passed out, falling to the floor. The beer bottle dramatically bounced out of her hand, and it was put into slow-motion because slow-motion effects are cool and dramatic, especially if you want to make your movie cool and dramatic.

"Oh shit! Hourai! Come back!" Alice cried, and bravely ran into the kitchen all by herself to retrieve her brave warrior doll.

"Alice! No! It's too dangerous!" Patchouli called, reaching for Alice from her position on the floor.

"I must!" The doll-maker cried, and ran to Hourai. "Hourai, are you okay? Do I need to perform CPR on you? I hope I don't, because that would be really awkward, and plus, that would probably be counted as kissing, and I only love Patchouli, so th–Hourai?" Alice rambled, and finally realized that Hourai wasn't speaking back to her.

"DAMN IT!" Alice yelled, picking up Hourai and slamming her on the floor. The doll was still motionless. "Hourai, speak to me!"

The doll said nothing.

Patchouli came up behind Alice and put a hand on her shoulder. "Hourai died for our cause. She was a very brave doll," Patchouli said gravely, trying to comfort Alice.

Alice was silent for a moment. Then a little light-bulb appeared above her head, and she said, "Oh! I can just make a different doll!"

"YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAY!" Remilia suddenly screamed behind them, clapping her hands together obnoxiously. She clapped her hands because what else would she clap together besides her hands?

"Oh no," Patchouli and Alice both said at the same time.

"WAKE UP, BITCHES! IT'S TIME THAT Y'ALL GOT A MOVE-ON AND CLEANED THIS PLACE UP! SAKUYA!" Remilia exclaimed, pointing at the maid. She was leaned up against a corner with Meiling on top of her, and Patchouli and Alice hadn't noticed her because she blended in with the kitchen counters, which were the color of her hair.

Sakuya immediately jumped up when she realized that it was _her _name Remilia had screeched. "Yes, mistress?"

"YOU'RE IN CHARGE OF LEADING THE CLEAN-UP PROCESS! Nobody can leave this place until this kitchen is SPARKLING CLEAN! Did everyone hear that?" Remilia asked.

Everyone nodded, scared for the condition of their ears.

"Good!" And then she sassily walked away, shaking her butt like a true sassy buttball.

Sakuya turned around to face everyone in the kitchen. "Well, everyone! We've got a kitchen to–"

Sakuya stopped mid-sentence when she realized that there was nobody in the room except for Reimu, Meiling, Marisa, Patchouli, and Alice. Sakuya was astounded at the fact that the people of Hakugyokuroukuroukurouyougyokusokurou and Eientei were able to get their butts out of that room so quickly. "Well, okay then. Let's just clean the kitchen; I'm too tired to chase after them," Sakuya suggested.

Marisa seemed to sweat at the sight of the mess in the kitchen. "Uh...haha..._hic..! _Well, I've sorta gotta go...um...to the bathroom! Yeah, that's right, I've gotta go take a shit, and _hic! _Reimu does too, don'tcha?"

"Yeah, heheh...it might take a _hic! _while, and I'm not very good at cleaning anyway, so..." Reimu trailed off. She was visibly sweating at the idea of trying to clean up the mess in the kitchen. "Uh, bye!"

Reimu bolted for the kitchen entrance, but Flandre stopped her, laughing like a maniac. "Ha...you think you can escape this mess, Hakurei?"

Reimu laughed nervously, and hiccuped again. She obviously wasn't in the right condition to fight anyone at that moment.

Marisa pulled out her hakkero. "D-Don't hurt Reimu! _Hic!"_

_ "Hic! Hic! Hic! Hic! _What the hell is wrong with you people?" Flandre mimicked, and threw Reimu back at Marisa.

"MARISA! CATCH MEEEEEEE!" Reimu cried, flying through the air at a velocity of 80 Butter-Sticks-Per-Second(BSPS).

Marisa didn't catch Reimu and instead dodged her.

"FUCK!" Reimu cried, and landed on her face, permanently damaging the left nostril of her nose. "OW, MY FAAAAAACE!"

"Okay, well, I'm going to start cleaning, so...yeah!" Sakuya said cheerfully. She nudged Meiling awake and asked her to help her clean, to which she agreed to.

Marisa peeled Reimu off of the floor and picked her up bridal-style. Then she immediately COLLAPSED! "GODDAMN IT! REIMU, WHEN DID YOU GET SO HEAVY?!"

"WHEN DID YOU GET SO WEAK? PICK ME BACK UP!" Reimu yelled back.

"This is the part where they start fighting," Patchouli whispered in Alice's ear, observing the scene in front of them calmly. "They do this nearly everyday."

"Interesting," Alice replied, surveying the scene in front of them.

"UGH! GET ON MY BROOM! IT HAS BIGGER MUSCLES THAN I DO!"

"FINE!"

"UGH!"

"UGH TO YOU TOO!"

Marisa climbed onto her broom, which magically appeared because her broom is very magical and sparkly. "HOP ON!"

"OKAY!" Reimu said, and attempted to climb onto it. The broom collapsed under her weight.

"UGH!"

"How's the cleaning going in here?" Remilia suddenly asked, appearing out of nowhere.

"Uh-" Reimu and Marisa said, trying to get up off the floor so it would look like they were working.

"YOU TWO! YOU AREN'T CLEANING LIKE I TOLD YOU TO! TASTE MY WRATH! ARRRRGHGHRGHRHGHRGHHRGHAGHAHGHRHASGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAG!" Remilia shrieked, her head twisting around on her shoulders. She pulled Gungnir out and almost fired it at them, but stopped instead.

"Wait a minute...when did you two leave the infirmary?" Remilia asked.

"Well..."

_(Flashback)_

_"OUCH!" Reimu cried as she fell of the infirmary bed. "Now I have rabies...AAAH!"_

_"What the hell?" Marisa asked, awakening from her deep slumber. "Why do you have rabies?"_

_"Because I'm a peasant who falls out of their bed and sits on the floor."_

_"...wow...this is why I love you, Reimu," Marisa said, in awe at the depth of Reimu's explanation._

_"I love you too, Marisa. Hey, do you wanna go sleep in the kitchen instead?"_

_"YEAH!"_

_And so they sassily ran out of the infirmary, which was now empty._

_(End of flashback)_

"Ohhhh! Well, anyway...AGAGAGGAGAGRHGRGRHRHRGRHRGRH!" And Remilia threw Gungnir at them.

"RUN!" Patchouli screamed, and grabbed Alice. They teleported safely away to the library, where they found Koakuma waiting for them.

"Oh, there you guys are! I was wondering when you'd be back. Anyway, can I talk to you for a moment?" Koakuma asked politely.

"Uh...sure...?" Patchouli said, not sure about what Koakuma was going to say.

"I really love you both, and I was wondering if we could have a thr-"

"No."

And they teleported away to the secret bedroom.

**(Kitchen)**

"Ojou-sama! Thank you so much for cleaning this place up!" Sakuya cried, tears of joy streaming down her face. The kitchen had never been as clean as it was in that moment, and it was all thanks to Gungnir!

"No problem! By the way, I wouldn't actually kill you two; you fight all those youkai who want to take over Gensokyo so that my mansion will stay in tact, so you are _always _welcome here," Remilia said to Reimu and Marisa.

"Uh, well, actually we fight to protect Gensokyo so that-"

"Tut-Tut-Tut," Remilia tutted. "I know you were going to say something nice about my mansion, and I really appreciate that, but words aren't needed. You've already done enough to protect my mansion, and for that I am complimenting you."

"But-"

"No buts."

"Actually, Ojou-sama, they fight to protect Gensokyo because they don't want-"

"Sakuya, I really appreciate you and your attempts to strengthen what they've done for our cause, but you really don't need to add anything else to what they've already explained to me through their life-risking deeds they've done in the past to protect my mansion," Remilia interrupted. She was smiling a toothy "I-know-more-than-you" grin.

"Um, can I say something? I haven't said something yet," Meiling said, standing there awkwardly.

"Yes, you may speak, peasant. Now, what it is that you wanted to say?"

"Well, I just wanted to thank Reimu and Marisa for-"

"Protecting our mansion? Well, I've already-"

"-protecting the whole of Gensokyo. They've really done a lot for not _just _us, and they don't fight for us; they fight for everyone in Gensokyo. They fight to protect the land they love; the land I love," Meiling explained.

Remilia was dumbfounded. "Oh. I see. Well, you still have my thanks; I can see that you have to fight for _everyone _because they would just get jealous of your love for my mansion and wealth. Speaking of my wealth, I have to go purchase something expensive so I'll feel good about myself. SEE YA!" Remilia screamed, and walked out of the kitchen, leaving Sakuya, Meiling, Marisa, and Reimu's eardrums bleeding.

"Why does she have to scream?"

"What?"

"Exactly."

**(The Secret Bedroom)**

A knock sounded on the bedroom door. "Patchouli, I want to talk to you about something. Can I come in?" A voice said from outside the door.

"Oh. My. God," Patchouli said, and literally pooped her pants from the shock of Koakuma's voice. "I thought that she didn't know about this place.

"Ew! What the fuck, Patchouli?" Alice exclaimed, and that's when Koakuma chose to open the door.

"What are 'what the fuck'ing about?" Koakuma asked, standing there with her hands clasped in front of her.

"NOTHING!" Patchouli sweated, looking from side-to-side innocently. She avoided Koakuma's gaze because she, a 100-year-old magician, wasn't comfortable with her servant knowing that she had just shit her shorts or underwear or pants or whatever she wears.

"Hmmm...okay. Anyway, I was wondering if we could have a thre-"

"NO!" Alice screamed, and summoned all the courage and power she could to cast a spell that would make Koakuma leave them alone forever. "Magicky Magicness!" Alice cried, and Koakuma disappeared.

"Thank goodness! Alice, you're my hero!" Patchouli said, jumping into Alice's arms after casting a spell that removed the poop from her pants.

"Oh, Patchouli. I love you!"

"I love you too!"

And they all lived happily ever after. Without Koakuma.


	4. Chapter 4

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN TOUHOU PROJECT!**

Flandre walked into Patchouli's now NOT-Secret Bedroom and almost fell on her face, but luckily, she didn't. "Hello!" Flandre slurred, lazily waving an arm at them.

"Uh...hi?" Alice said, not sure about what Flandre was doing in the NOT-Secret Bedroom.

"HI!" Flandre exclaimed, and waved again at them. "Heheheh."

"She's freaking me out," Patchouli whispered into Alice's ear from her position in her lap.

"Me too. What the hell is she doing?"

"I don't know. Let's watch."

Flandre walked over to Patchouli's stash of movies. "Ooh, look at these movies! You've got _The Exorcist...Family Guy Season 1...South Park...The Conjuring...Deadpool..._all childhood classics! Patchouli, you reeeeeaaaally need to update your movie stash with some more age-appropriate movies. Aren't you like one hundred years old?" Flandre said, laughing a little. Then she waddled over to the popcorn maker. "Hey, can I make some popcor-"

Patchouli and Alice rose from the floor and pulled out their most powerful spellcards. "Don't. Touch. The popcorn maker," Patchouli growled between gritted teeth.

Flandre laughed nervously and backed away from it. "Don't _hic! _Worry! I wasn't gonna touch it without permission! _Hic!" _Flandre said, and was just about to turn to leave the room when a thought popped into her head. "Hey, where's Koakuma, by the way?"

"I made her leave us alone so that she would stop asking about a threesome. Forever," Alice answered.

Flandre's jaw dropped. "WHAT!? HOW DID YOU DO THAT!?/111!?/!?/"

"The question is, how did you use so many slashes and one's in your exclamation?" Patchouli asked.

"Uh...I don't know. BUT HOW!?"

"I said 'Magicky Magicness!' and she just disappeared," Alice shrugged.

"MAGICKY MAGICNESS!" Flandre cried. Nothing happened. She tried again. "MAGICKY MAGICNESS!" Nothing happened.

"Um, Fland-"

"MAGICKY MAGICNESS! MAGI-"

"Okay, please stop. Alice, do you remember exactly what you did when you made her disappear like that?" Patchouli asked, confused. If someone as simple as Flandre wasn't able to cast the seemingly easy-to-perform spell, then could anyone else?

"Not really. I just said 'magicky magicness!' and Koakuma disappeared."

"I'll try it. MAGICKY MAGICNESS!" Patchouli shouted, pointing at Flandre. She disappeared from thin air. "Oh. Oops."

"Well, she was kind of annoying anyway," Alice remarked, and inspected the place Flandre had just been. Sure enough, there was thin air and no ashes or anything indicating that she had been killed.

"True, but she kind of lives in the same house as me, so I guess I've gotten used to her."

"I bet I'll get used to her soon, too," Alice stated, and then blushed when she realized what she had indicated. "I mean, I'm probably going to be visiting here a lot, right, so, uh-"

Patchouli laughed, a blush on her face as well. "I hope you'll be visiting here often. You're my girlfriend, right?"

"Right!"

"WHAT!? Patchouli, I thought that you were just playing card games with Alice that ENTIRE TIME we were drinking!" Remilia said suddenly, a bowl of popcorn in her hands. Popcorn fell all over the library floor as she took a handful from the bowl and munched it with a loud munch. What, did you expect her to munch her popcorn with a soft munch? Nope! She's the mistress of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and when things get munched by her teeth, they get munched loudly.

"Uh, well, you see, we were-"

"WATCHING DORA!" Alice covered for Patchouli.

"Uh, yeah! Ha, um, yes, we were watching Dora. MMMMMMhhhHhmMMMM!" Patchouli said, clearing her throat loudly at the end of her sentence.

"And when you finished watching Dora, what did you do?" Remilia asked, giggling like a school girl.

"Um, we, went to sleep! Yeah, that's right, we fell asleep!"

"In different beds!"

"Yeah!" Alice said a little too loudly, blushing very, very hard.

"I can see right through that, you know. I bet the entire time you were watching Dora, you were clinging to each other like little frightened sheep! But throughout the whole movie, Alice was the one who always said, 'Patchouli, I'm SO scared!' and Patchouli would say, 'Shh...it's okay, baby, I'm right here.' And then, when the movie was over, Patchouli said, 'I'm so glad that I have you here to keep my nightmares away', and then she leaned down and kissed your-"

"Okay, okay, okay! Fine, we're dating! There, I said it! You can stop teasing us now," Alice told Remilia, who still had popcorn in her hands.

"Finally, you admitted it! When's your first date?" Remilia asked, shoving popcorn in her mouth. "Ah, shit, it got all over the floor," Remilia realized, glancing down at the ground beneath her. "SAKUYA!"

"Yes, mistress?" Sakuya asked, appearing in a flash.

"Clean this up for me. Thanks! Anyway, when's your first date?"

"They're dating?" Sakuya asked suddenly, looking up from her spot on the floor. She held some sort of cleaning chemical in one hand and a vacuum cleaner in the other.

"Yes, we're dating, but I have an important question for you. Where did you keep all of that stuff you just pulled out?" Alice asked, confused. Sakuya had just seemed to whip all that stuff out in a flash, and she didn't think that the vacuum cleaner would fit in the front pocket of her maid's outfit.

"Oh, my pockets are really deep. See? I've got all sorts of shit in here. I've got my journal, a picture of Meiling to remind me of the family I have back at home when I'm out fighting in the war, a trash can, a Nintendo 3DS I just happened to pick up while I visited that cucumber lady's house..." Sakuya said, trailing off as she pulled out item after item after item.

"Wow, that's impressive! I had no idea you were a magician, Sakuya! And here I was thinking you were just some lowly peasant, but wow! Those are some serious magic tricks!" Remilia exclaimed, shoving more popcorn into her mouth.

"Thanks, mistress. It took a long time to master this skill," Sakuya replied, smiling up from the ground.

"That really is impressive," Patchouli remarked.

Alice nodded in agreement. "It truly is! You should enter a contest or something, you know? Maybe you'll win more stuff if you can stuff a bunch of stuff in that pocket of yours."

"I think I will! And if there isn't a contest like that, I will host one," Sakuya stated, turning to Alice and Patchouli. "Anyway, I'm really happy for you two. You both have my blessing," she said happily, going back to her peasant work.

"Yes, and you have mine. As the sassy best friend, I would have been your bridesmaid, but I don't think I'm cut out for such...peasantry. Since Sakuya is already a peasant, she can easily take my place at the wedding," Remilia said to Patchouli and Alice, and walked off, spilling popcorn as she went. Sakuya followed her, cleaning up the popcorn on all fours.

Then Remilia turned back around to face them. "Hey, have you seen my sister?"

Patchouli and Alice gulped audibly. "Uh, well, we kind of...got rid of her forever," Alice said nervously.

Remilia dropped her popcorn bucket. "SERIOUSLY?! You guys could do that this WHOLE TIME and you didn't tell me? I have a whole list of people that I want to get rid of! Do you think you could help me out with that?" Remilia asked, looking as excited as a squirrel who had just found a stash of nuts.

"Um...sure, I guess. Who did you want to get rid of?" Patchouli asked, peering over Remilia's shoulder at the list she was holding.

"Yuyuko, because she beat my sister in that drinking contest...the Lunarians, because they're just weird...that Eiki Shiki lady, because she's sassier than I am...Yukari because-"

Suddenly, Yukari appeared in front of them. "You called?"

"NO! GO BACK TO YOUR CAVE, YOU BEAST!" Remilia shouted, waving at Yukari to try and make her go away.

"Oh, what is it that you're doing? Seems pretty secretive to me," Yukari said, peering over Remilia's shoulder to look at the paper she was holding.

Patchouli sighed. "She wants us to get rid of all those people forever. Do you have anyone you'd like us to get rid of?" Patchouli asked.

"Nope, I'm good! I've got a question for you, though. Why is my name on there?" Yukari asked, giggling and covering her mouth with her fan in the way she always uses to cover her mouth with her fan.

"Because you're sassier than I am! In fact, I think that you're the sassiest person in all of Gensokyo! You're probably sassier than Eiki Shiki, and she's probably the princess of sassiness!"

"So that makes me the queen of sassiness, doesn't it?" Yukari laughed, her fan still hovering over her mouth.

"Yes, of course it does! And I think I'm probably only a pawn of sassiness! Did you hear that? _A PAWN!_"

"Whoa, Remilia, take it easy," Alice said, grabbing the vampire's shoulders gently to try to restrain her. She was looking about ready to start foaming at the mouth.

"No, don't restrain me! Patchouli, get rid of her!" Remilia shrieked.

"Okay, but-"

"NOW! REMEMBER WHEN I SAVED YOU FROM DYING ALL THOSE YEARS AGO!? REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE FIGHTING IN THE WAR AND YOU ALMOST GOT HIT BY A BULLET AND-"

"MAGICKY MAGICNESS!" Patchouli cried, and Yukari disappeared.

The room was silent. In fact, it was so quiet that the only noises that were being made came from Sakuya, who was still busy cleaning up all the popcorn Remilia had spilled.

Then, Remilia burst into laughter. "HAHA! You should've seen your faces! There was no war! I've never saved Patchouli before! HA!" Remilia laughed. She launched a piece of popcorn into the air and caught it in her mouth.

"Um, Remilia, nobody fell for-"

"Tututut," Remilia tutted, shaking her finger. "Don't say a word. I know that what you're trying to say is 'Good job, Remilia, that was such a clever joke!' but I already know that it's a clever joke. You don't need to tell me. Thanks for the compliment, anyway!" Remilia called over her shoulder as she walked away, Sakuya crawling on the floor behind her.

"Nobody fell for her joke. Not even Sakuya. RIGHT SAKUYA?!" Alice called, cupping her hands around her mouth.

Sakuya turned around and gave them a thumbs-up.

"I know, right? I don't even know why I got rid of Yukari in the first place...she's kind of important to Gensokyo's balance cause she controls gaps and borders and all that stuff..." Patchouli trailed off.

"OH WELL!"

And they all walked into the sunlight, shaking their butts like sassy buttballs. Remilia shrieked, "AH! I'M MEEEELLLLLLTIIIIIINNNNGGGG!" at some point, but nobody cared except for Sakuya, who had to clean up the mess Remilia made by throwing her popcorn bucket into the air.

**I really don't know what I was thinking when I made this chapter...**

**Please review if you enjoyed this story! :D All constructive feedback is welcome!**


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